4th-Dec-2007
I say but thats neither here nor there anyways..) when I'm feeling stressed. When I need someone to talk to. to vent. to whatever. it helps :)
I'm taking a liking to government, have I mentioned that? I'm in Economics and a History class right now and it just makes me so angry. More emotion than I feel in most other classes I could care less about. It makes me angry because its so corupt. I dont feel like it could ever change, but lessen the degree of coruptness... maybe. If anything that would be my goal. But how impossible is that, honestly? Another thing I feel passionately about is the envioronment and how much the US is fucking it up. So maybe become an envioronmental engineer then run for office. Use my own research which will be verified and back up by other respectable scientists to make change. What got all that in my head was right after I saw that Al Gore movie, An Inconvienent Truth..
Work has been extremely aggravating. I think what my problem is, is that I'm so used to being a Team Lead that being a team member feels like I went from being 25 to 7. I am used to everyone listening to what I'm saying, doing what I ask them, having more weighted responsibility. I liked having the control becuase I wasn't one of those people who took advantage of it. I embraced it because I loved helping every one out. It made me feel good to help, unlike other people who embraced it as a way to take down to people and make them feel stupid. ugh, but its like now... I feel like everyone thinks I'm some lazy incompetent (sp?), because they don't know me. And if they want to build up a case against me I know how easy it is. Not saying I've done that but if you want someone gone, give them a week to getcha. I miss working with Cindy. Now that I've left, her and I have had a few conversations that were actually interesting and not strictly business.
wouldn't that be cool to be a writer? I dont feel dedicated enough to take all those english classes but I'm sitting here in my comfy sweats listening to "For the Love of a Princess" by the london symphony orchestra, in front of my laptop alone in the kitchen.. I was just thinking how cool that would be if I was actually working right now instead of wasting my time, hah.
I can't wait til I have time to finish reading the book I started over the summer. my math class ends next week so thats cool. I've also been dying to start painting again. I still have the half finished painting from last summer... geez where does the fucking time go.
okay so seriously.. I have a math test tomorrow that I feel about 35% ready for... pfff...
wish me luck.
have a nice night.
p.s.
revalation... just said to someone i can't keep running from my mistakes.. I do that. a lot. cuz I make a lot of mistakes. So do all human beings. I have this little imaginary world of me being this perfect person and every time I let myself down I can't look at myself with out thinking of what a doushe bag I am and I hide from it because I hate seeing that failure side of myself.... *sigh* I need to stop with the self negativity... thats step one..
I can't change who I am, I will always have every part good or bad in me. I can only learn to work around/with my opportunities (target slang for my bad traits), they will never go away.
or something like that. (thanks Cindy!)
kforrealthistimebye!
22nd-Nov-2007
wow. longest day ever! glad its over... i feel like my body has aged 20 years, my back is so sore. but what do you expect, i've been up since 3:30 working non-stop.
went to work, cleaned the house vaccuum and washed floors, met my mom for lunch, came home babysat my cousin then the rest of the day cooked.
had a really scary expirience at work today. I had two pop tarts and cherry coke for breakfast and while i was working drinking the cherry coke kind of made my stomach hurt a really bad so i stopped drinking it and then all of a sudden ( I was stocking pens by the way, nothing at all stressful) I felt really fuzzy and I started to lose my vision. I thought i was passing out so I freaked out because I've never just randomly out of no where passed out. My face got all hot, my ears blocked up really hard, I started shaking and my vision was kind of like when you get up to fast and its all black and fuzzy. it was like closing in on me and I swear for 4 seconds I thought this was it, I was dying. haha. I ran into my boss on the way into the bathroom though which was comforting so I sat down and my head felt better but the shakes didn't go away for like 10-15 minutes... weird stuff. still don't know what happened. neither does my mom. I hope that never happens again, thats all I have to say!
I'm a generally healthy person, with a strong immune system. don't have any allergies, not like sicknesses or ear problems, allergies, anything as a kid, never broke a bone, never once had to goto the hospital or the doctor for any emergencies or serious things. I consider myself to be healthier than a lot of people so thats why I find it so weird I was going to pass out over nothing. If it happens again though in the next week I'm going to get it check out because that just isn't normal for me.
k I can't believe I've been up for almost 24 hours now. Time for sleep. look for me on tv, I'll be at the Lions game!
see ya! happy thanksgiving everyone.
17th-Nov-2007
Rent is a really good musical.. I've only seen like 15 minutes of it once before but this is the first time I've watched the whole thing...
This has been one of the best weekends all semester.. Math ended on Thursday, had an econ test so no homework, no history class this week coming up so no homework there.. its like a vacation, I feel so relaxed and at peace. its nice.
Been having some really rough... very rough rough times w/ my boyfriend... I think this time, since we've both grown up together and realize we've been in this for over two years its time to stop screwing around and get serious with our emotions.. tell each other like it is and work together to make it work... I've come to realize I need to stop blaming him so much for where life has lead me.. its not enitrely his fault.. I gave up a lot, probably way too much to be with him but he came at a time when I was scared to be alone. Things were shitty at home, especially with my dad. College had just started I knew no one anymore.. I was stepping into the huge world and I just wanted someone to love me. And he did. I didn't realize the depth of what I was getting myself into. I sometimes wish I had met him 5 years later, but that isn't what happened. I have to deal with the life I have right now and make it work for us, and for me. I've put myself on hold for the past 2 years and I think thats whats lead up to the recent troubles. I'm learning and so is he. we're in it together and I couldn't be happier.
so Forrest Gump is on, and I can't remember ever seeing the first 5-10 minutes of the movie.. weird..
I'm excited for Thanksgiving. Friday I don't work so maybe shopping... :) and then saturday is Dane Cook!! yeaaah.
okay battery is going to die...
good night
6th-Nov-2007
so I'm all registered for next semester.. only 3 classes but their all 4 credits.. .we'll see if maybe theres a fourth i want to take. I've got so far on the schedule Calc 1, Discrete Math, and accounting. I want to get a transcript from Wayne State so I can take maybe Organic chem or Analytical Physics. I don't know what I want to take. Going to give accounting a try for a semester then... who knows. I think it will be boring but I like math so..... I'll give it a go.
okay just saw a commercial for "Enchanted" in a way Patrick Dempsy is kind of hot. Maybe it was the Prince get up he was in :-/ lol.
I've been a little on edge the past couple days. ehhh stress.
okay so I know everyone has been looking for an awesome show to get into.. Dexter. on Showtime 9pm sundays. its also on demand anytime. Cannot wait for the next episode.
k i feel like i'm going to ralph, papa jimmys has damn good pizza... ate way. too. much :-X
peace out.
1st-Nov-2007
so my sister is a heaving wreck because she's 2nd to last chair out of 5 (technically she is last chair because the last chair dude didn't turn in a tape. last chair by default) and I mean normally i would tell her when she's not doing well and maybe you know try harder next time, theres always opportunity to challenge. But I'm actually hurt. She played that audition music perfect. I mean fucking perfect. and a sophomore gets first chair. the only two seniors are last chair. Is there something wrong wtih this picture? That sophomore isn't even good, I've heard her play. She can wiggle her fingers big deal. so can I. k well i can go on for hours about this. that audition must was perfect on her final recording and i'm pissed. end. of. story.
i'm sick of work. whats new?
went out to rogers roost with some of the gang from work. I miss them all. I dont get to see any of them cuz of being overnight.
I've become addicted to Halo over the past few months. Its just such a release from a stressful week. lol
My sister won free tickets to a DSO performance. That should be fun :)
speaking of tickets, Dane Cook whos excited?! my mom is so amazng she got my ssiter and I both tickets on the MAIN FLOOR!! i could lick the sweat off his body (with my eyes) if i wanted to. good month up ahead.
k well i have to goto bed. gooooood night people.
31st-Oct-2007
I've gotten a lot done and I want to take a nap but I have to keep pushing though the tiredness. Was up at 330 for work this morning and felt pretty good considering I only had 5 hours of sleep. I hate that I need so much sleep but whatever. Did a lot at work as far as helping out when we were short handed on the line, then pushed and flexed a lot of shit in mini seasonal.
Then last night I thought I lost my cell phone in my grandmas lawn. Why you ask? Well every October 30th my sister and I vandalize her yard and my aunts do the same to ours. Nothing distructive, we took little darth vader heads rubber banded them to shish ka bob sticks and stuck them all around their lawn then threw a bag of fake spiders all over. Anyways point being everyone and their mom walked out side drove down the drive way dogs barking we did a lot of rolling around ont he lawn and army crawling.. It wasn't there so while I was athere I did a lot of helping her out then I took a nap so no reason to sleep anymore..
My sister is ordering her cap and gown with my mom right now... they grow up so fast...
30th-Oct-2007
Is it because I refuse to change.. or should I use the term "grow up"?
I dont know why I don't like people anymore. Its driving me crazy not having anyone to talk to. Everytime it seems I've found someone decent to open up to hey turn into being something completely differant. I can respect people who are differant, don't confuse me with being judgemental. For example I mean, they fall off the face of the planet and never return any phone calls.
Is it me?
I dont think I'm that unlikeable. I actually enjoy being me very much haha. I almost broke into tears with my mom because I'm not like everyone else, I don't kiss ass, I dont fit in. I don't manipulate, I don't take advantage of people to further myself. should I start? cuz that seems to work for a lot of people. just not me.
I can't find people who don't smoke weed and who aren't looking forward to the weekends because its time to drink. I'm not saying all people are like that, its just a great majority of people I find common intrest with are into that (maybe since we're so alike I should take up the habits...... nah).
I've noticed I bring up the fact I don't like people who drink a lot. this relates back to the fact my dad has been a drunk my whole life and is an embarassing moron. Also people turn into very mean people sometimes. I dont like the unpredictability.
something relevant to beer, I had some one throw a huge (half full) beer can at me while I was standing by my car in the street. *sigh* last year it was eggs.
anyways. I am very frustrated. I feel trapped and I hate it. I'm not this person. I swear. I am bubbly, i love people, i'm shy but warm up once given the chance.
or maybe i'm just not worthy of anyones time.
i hate college.